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The physical pain is indescribable, there was blood everywhere. He told me that if I did not do what he wanted, he would take my child from me. He figured that he had the upper hand, complete control over me. It was a traumatic birth I was taking a long time to heal and the females in his family, who all hated me, told him that I should be healed and ready to do my ‘duty’. It was hard to face what he did and accept that I had been raped by someone that said he loved me. This happened after I refused to have sex because he was abusive. It lasted maybe a minute and I was in shock. I woke up to excruciating pain and screamed. I thought I could never be raped, I would just not let it happen, I was too strong for that. I am a strong woman, I have trained in martial arts, self defense training, and close combat fighting and fencing for most of my life. The abuse grew gradually over time it did not start out bad, the abuse began after we moved in together. “I was in a relationship with the man that raped me. It has caused me a lot of damage for all I try and tell myself it made me stronger.”-Y M. My rapist was my father, my mother covered her eyes and I was made to understand that if I said anything my family would starve when they took my father away. They started just before puberty at age 9. It isn’t your fault no matter what the circumstances.”-T. Encourage every rape victim and those they love to hold their heads up high and not be afraid of acknowledging what happened. It is time that we throw back the blanket of secrecy women are forced to endure with rape. He robbed my innocence but he cannot rob who I am.
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But I did nothing wrong-I was young, impossibly young and in need of attention. It makes you feel like you have done something wrong. After years of effort I can talk about what happened and even recently posted publicly to my Facebook about what happened to me because the secrecy of rape is horrible. He was just a friend who cared so much and he encouraged me to get counseling. When I did finally tell a male friend what had happened he simply held me in his arms and cried with me. So I kept this inside for about 10 more years. I told my mother who told me not to tell anyone because ‘what man would want me after that.’ She also said it would hurt my brother and my father too much if I told them. I did not tell a soul about this event until I was 20. We had been told that if you didn’t fight back when being raped then you were guilty of fornication. I was convinced that I was as guilty as he was due to the religious teachings of my childhood. I had never even kissed anyone prior to this. He did choke me at one point until I nearly passed out. I did what he said and the next while is a bit of a blur. Then he pointed the gun at me and told me that if I didn’t do exactly what he said he’d kill my sister. He pulled out a gun and leaned over in front of me aiming the gun out of the open window. We were joking and laughing and I didn’t feel anything was wrong. He picked me up from school and drove out into the desert near where we lived.